3:19 a.m.

it is 3:19 am and i cannot sleep. In roughly 5 hours my pretty little baby will wake up hungry, and I will be so very exhausted. For some reason my days and nights have been going on like this for weeks now. My family doesn't understand it, they scold me every early morning when they see me still awake. Don't get me wrong, I love sleep so very much- it's just that my mind keeps me wide awake at night thinking about anything and everything. I think my lack of sleep is connected somehow to the bouts of depression I go through... I don't think anyone knows about my depression except for my best friend, my old therapist and Skye. I'm not open about it, but for some reason I decided now would be a great time to change that. I'm not always depressed, I do have my good days and even long stretches of good days. I like those times. But sometimes something inside me happens and I don't know what exactly that is, but it triggers my depression. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm sad. I have such a good life, I love being a mom, I love being a wife and I love my family. There's so much to be thankful for but there's this sadness eating away at me on the insides and I cant control it. I cant change it. I just deal with it as best as I can. Sometimes that means I cry uncontrollably until I fall asleep. Sometimes I just spend all day in bed doing nothing, and sometimes I act like nothing is wrong and continue on with my life. It's been like this for as long as I can remember.. Infact the winter before I met Skye I spent pretty much all day sleeping and all night locked up in my room on my computer. That was as dark as it ever was; I made it through it though.

About this time last year I was going through a very rough time. I was dealing with anxiety and everyday felt like it was the worst day ever. The person I loved didn't love me the way I loved him. I was hurt by pretty much everyone I loved... And again, I couldn't sleep. Around this same time I got pregnant, and I also got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't really know what that was except for the super vague definition everyone gave out. A few weeks before I found out I was bipolar me and my boyfriend got into an arguement and I asked him to spend the night else where. He called me late at night, upset and told me that his whole entire family called me bipolar and some other things. The other things didn't hurt me; I have tough skin. Being called bipolar did. A few weeks after that incident when i was diagnosed, the first person i called was my boyfriend. I cried to him, I felt like a freak and an outcast because I had a mental disorder and apparently it was obvious. Honestly, it still hurts thinking about last July... But I think the thing that upsets me most is that we use a legitimate mental disorder as an insult. It's not fun being bipolar, I don't enjoy it. I don't think it's a funny or clever insult, it just makes you look ignorant. It's also a little bit hurtful to be honest, people marginalize people with mental disorders because they're scared and uneducated. Yes, I go through bouts of depression and mania. Yes, I sometimes have trouble controlling my mood swings. No, I wont go psycho one day and kill you or your cat. No, I didn't kill cats as a kid. I'm normal. I live a semi-normal life and no, I wont hurt you. I'm not a bad person, I don't do bad things.. I just struggle sometimes and it's no one's fault so don't take it personally. I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish with writing this out, but I guess I feel better letting this all out. And next time you're going to call someone bipolar, dont. Or do, I guess.. I mean it's only going to make you look uneducated.