Loving an addict.

This isn't the post I thought I would be writing on Easter Sunday, but I need to get these thoughts out to process my day. My friend lost the father of her youngest child today... they were supposed to get married today. I dont know this woman too well but this is a hard thing for me to deal with. Like my friend, I love an addict.

Growing up I imagined the physical aspects of the person I thought I was going to end up with... Tattoos, dark hair, glasses, nose ring, tall and in between skinny and athletic. I ended up with a guy who had 5 out of the 6 things I had pictured.. not bad haha. Anyways, when I pictured this person in my head I never imagined that they would ever be addicted to anything, but he was. He is. He's a recovering alcoholic, and life is tough when you love a recovering alcoholic... It bring so much uncertainty and stress. I cant count how many times I've spent up alone worrying about where he'd end up, who he'd end up with and what he was doing. Was he going to be okay? When would be making it home to me? When will I know if he's okay?.. Those are just a couple of the thoughts that consistently went through my head. There's a hundred more that I dont think I could ever bring myself to say out loud. It's scary. My worst fear would be getting a call and being notified that he wouldn't be coming home to me ever.. There's been some times that we were close though, and my God were those the hardest. Sitting in a hospital bed with a bruised and hurting body is not easy on anybody and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Having someone you love come so close to death is emotionally taxing, it's rough, it's literally mentally scarring. After one really hard night I was left in a constant anxiety attack for 2 weeks straight. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, hands down. To this day, the smell of liquor mixed with the smell of my boyfriend gives me instant anxiety. Full blown shortness of breath, sweaty, heart racing anxiety. It's a shitty, shitty feeling. It's hard to properly explain the feelings and things alcohol does to me physically and mentally. But, like I've been reminded a hundred times before, I still expose myself to it. I still continue to love him, through his faults and imperfections, just like he loves me through the same.

The last couple of days I was talking with my friend and I sympathized with the situation. I remember feeling the same things she was feeling.. like she was hopeless and helpless. Like she wanted nothing more to save him from this monster. Truth is, we cant. We can try, and we can be there for them but we will never be able to save them. Literally thousands of times I've said if he (skye) really loved me and hosanna then he'd be sober. We should be enough to want to be sober. We should be reason enough for him to quit for good. Aren't we good enough? Truth is, we are. We are more than enough reason to quit but it's not like that with addicts. It's a completely different ball park. Their sobriety doesn't reflect how much they love you. Your worth isn't based on someone's ability to resist a drink, or a hit or whatever. It just isn't. You cant save them either. Trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved is impossible. And its heart breaking and its hard. I'm not going to lie, I've tried to save Skye more than a hundred times but I failed. I failed, got back up and tried one more time and one more time and one more time. It was hopeless and it was silly of me to think that I was capable of taking on such a task. I dont posses the skills to help him, I dont know how to talk with him or how to help him.. All I really knew how to do was love him and thats what I did desperately. I loved him with my whole heart, I still do. I have never admitted before that I couldn't save him, I never could bring myself to it and here I am writing on my blog that no one reads, admitting that I failed. I failed in saving the man I love from something I should be bigger than.. that we should be bigger than.

I dont know if this thing makes sense, I'm just writing until I feel better. It's sort of working so far.

I just wanted to let everyone who is loving an addict behind closed doors and not so closed doors that it's okay. Sometimes you need to walk away, sometimes you stay. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but you will survive. You will wake up even though it seems like the hardest thing to do. You will walk on and live your life even if it seems like you're just existing. It happens. You will live through the days that seem to go on and on and on. You're going to make it. I promise.

our lives in pictures!

i havent been on here for a couple of months... again.. oops! just thought i'd write an update. me and skye's 2 year anniversary is in a week from today. craziness. it's been long and tough but we're in it together. he's awesome. i love his guts. skye has been sober for over 3 months, we havent kept track because it's easier this way but i am so soo sooo proud of him and who hes become and what he's accomplished. he's been such an amazing father lately and he's turned into a great friend for me. did i mention i'm soo proud of him? me and him have also switched roles. he's a part time stay at home dad. he works at a restraunt here in fort qu'appelle and stays at home during the day so i can go to school! i'm so close to being done, and my average is in the 90s. ive never had an average that high! so exciting. And Hosanna has been growing too fast for us to keep up with it seems. she's walking and talking and being crazy and hilarious. so much personality in such a tiny person! she's awesome! she'll be one in three weeks.. where did the time go? it's hard on me because i'm such a mushy person. i just want to hold onto my tiny baby forever even though i'm also incredibly proud of her. she amazes me on the daily and our love grows every single day. that girl is my life.

here are some photos from the last couple of months, enjoy!

on a walk to get ice cream!

daddy took this picture.

eating mashed potatoes and gravy!

wearing the coat papa bought her

she fell asleep while grocery shopping

when she first starting standing on furniture

big smiles 

taking a bath!

right before bed

all smiles!

at brunch with aunty anna, daddy, mum and moose

opening her gift from great great grandma

i have no idea where we were in this picture

taking a bath after eating christmas dinner at great great grandmas

walking!

our first ice cream date of the year!

kelsey and binoo swinging!

playing at the drs office

Don't stop

Do you have that friend who is constantly coming to you with the same problem? She's broke, her boyfriend treats her bad, she's been hurt by someone... Whatever. I know it can be annoying to hear the same story 100 times and it can be annoying to hear the same problem after offering a solution that seems painfully obvious, but don't stop listening. Don't stop offering that ear or that hug or that encouraging "it will be okay" text because sometimes it means everything to someone. Sometimes, you're the last person willing to listen and do you want to know what happens when you stop? They're alone. Being hurt and alone has to be one of the deadliest combinations. I've personally been there and it is madness, the constant longing for someone to listen, the cries for help, it hurts. I've spent months crying for help only to have no one listen and it has made me a bitter, cold and depressed person. I'm quite past that though, I've stopped relying on other people but I just thought I would post this for anyone who has been in that position. Just please don't stop, you don't know what type of loneliness it can lead to. 

Hi! Again

It's been a long time since I wrote last. Oops. Shout out to kaylee for reminding me! Haha. She's awesome. Anyways, a lot in my life has changed since the last time we've chatted. I'm still a mommy, I'm still in love with Skye Redwood, and I still love it all. Hosanna has been going through some crazy-ness in the last few months. She's learned to crawl, walk along furniture, say mama dada papa, she absolutely LOVES eating. It's the sweetest thing ever. We practice baby led weaning. Baby led weaning is basically letting your baby feed themselves and skipping the baby food. To some people it sounds barbaric and I was a little iffy until hosanna decided for us. We tried baby food for about two weeks and it felt like it always was a struggle. A fun struggle at least! Anyways, one day Hosanna up and grabbed a French fry from me. I freaked out for a second but she was handling that fry like a boss. From there on we basically went with out intuition on what to feed hosanna. Anyways, we'll move on from food haha. I've spent the last eight months watching this beautiful girl grow and what a privilege that has been. It has been a crazy, hard journey but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Skye, as most of you know, is my boyfriend. I don't know how well you know him so here's a little bit of a background. He grew up in fort quappelle and has lived here and in Lipton for all his life. He had a rough childhood and maybe one day he'll write a post on here about it. Anyways, he's such an amazing dad. He blows me away when I see him with our daughter. He never had a good father so he never really knew how to be one but he is an exceptional father. The love he has for hosanna is a beautiful thing. I wish I could capture it for you to see it. Besides a father, Skye is also an addict. He's always been one, but the substance has differed. From ecstasy to alcohol, he's been there. Another side that many see but don't understand about him is his mental illnesses. Skye suffers from OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. He also occasionally suffers from paranoia. He's also been suffering from anxiety attacks and depression since long before we met. Some days are a struggle for our family but we get through them. Living with someone who has mental illness can be a struggle but I'm sure living with the mental illnesses he has is much more of a struggle. He's an amazing man regardless of his mental illness. ❤️

And now me. I have been the same. Still struggling with depression, still madly in love with my family and still struggling with my faith. I never went into that before but I think I'm ready to be more open about it now. I would like to think I'm a Christian. I am far from where I'd like to be and I'm struggling to make progress but there's still hope. I'm not perfect, I'm not like Christ in anyway but I am trying. I still haven't gathered my thoughts much on that subject so I'll leave it at that. Besides all that I've been good. I have days that are better than others like everyone else, but so far I've survived. So I'll leave it at that. Here's some pictures of my family from the last couple of days! 

360

Yesterday I missed out on 3 hours of my sweet baby and handsome husband. I went into Regina quickly to pick up a wedding outfit with my mom sister and brother. I had a lot of fun, but i hate leaving those two more than anything! I spend as much time as possible with them because i know in a few short weeks Skye will be back in school and its just going to be me and hosanna for 8 hours. I found these sweet pictures on my iPod. It looks like they had so much fun, they love each other so much. 

So cute!

At supper time we usually put hosanna on our floor with a blanket underneath and all 500 of her toys sprawled every which way. Last night was no different, but I swear I looked away to talk to Skye for less than two minutes and somehow my cute baby managed to spin herself 90 degrees. By the time we were done eating she had done a full 360 then she started around again once my dad, her papa, started talking to her. Could this be  the start of her crawling career? Could be! The only downside is she's starting to get a bald spot! I don't know how to cope. I'm so in love with her full head of hair! I guess it will grow back eventually. Ahhh, so exciting watching my little human grow. I love this life!

3:19 a.m.

it is 3:19 am and i cannot sleep. In roughly 5 hours my pretty little baby will wake up hungry, and I will be so very exhausted. For some reason my days and nights have been going on like this for weeks now. My family doesn't understand it, they scold me every early morning when they see me still awake. Don't get me wrong, I love sleep so very much- it's just that my mind keeps me wide awake at night thinking about anything and everything. I think my lack of sleep is connected somehow to the bouts of depression I go through... I don't think anyone knows about my depression except for my best friend, my old therapist and Skye. I'm not open about it, but for some reason I decided now would be a great time to change that. I'm not always depressed, I do have my good days and even long stretches of good days. I like those times. But sometimes something inside me happens and I don't know what exactly that is, but it triggers my depression. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm sad. I have such a good life, I love being a mom, I love being a wife and I love my family. There's so much to be thankful for but there's this sadness eating away at me on the insides and I cant control it. I cant change it. I just deal with it as best as I can. Sometimes that means I cry uncontrollably until I fall asleep. Sometimes I just spend all day in bed doing nothing, and sometimes I act like nothing is wrong and continue on with my life. It's been like this for as long as I can remember.. Infact the winter before I met Skye I spent pretty much all day sleeping and all night locked up in my room on my computer. That was as dark as it ever was; I made it through it though.

About this time last year I was going through a very rough time. I was dealing with anxiety and everyday felt like it was the worst day ever. The person I loved didn't love me the way I loved him. I was hurt by pretty much everyone I loved... And again, I couldn't sleep. Around this same time I got pregnant, and I also got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't really know what that was except for the super vague definition everyone gave out. A few weeks before I found out I was bipolar me and my boyfriend got into an arguement and I asked him to spend the night else where. He called me late at night, upset and told me that his whole entire family called me bipolar and some other things. The other things didn't hurt me; I have tough skin. Being called bipolar did. A few weeks after that incident when i was diagnosed, the first person i called was my boyfriend. I cried to him, I felt like a freak and an outcast because I had a mental disorder and apparently it was obvious. Honestly, it still hurts thinking about last July... But I think the thing that upsets me most is that we use a legitimate mental disorder as an insult. It's not fun being bipolar, I don't enjoy it. I don't think it's a funny or clever insult, it just makes you look ignorant. It's also a little bit hurtful to be honest, people marginalize people with mental disorders because they're scared and uneducated. Yes, I go through bouts of depression and mania. Yes, I sometimes have trouble controlling my mood swings. No, I wont go psycho one day and kill you or your cat. No, I didn't kill cats as a kid. I'm normal. I live a semi-normal life and no, I wont hurt you. I'm not a bad person, I don't do bad things.. I just struggle sometimes and it's no one's fault so don't take it personally. I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish with writing this out, but I guess I feel better letting this all out. And next time you're going to call someone bipolar, dont. Or do, I guess.. I mean it's only going to make you look uneducated.

hi!

This is my first blog post!

This blog is mostly about my life with Hosanna, my sweet little girl who is officially 101 days old. She made her fast entrance in to the world on April 7th, 2013. She is probably the cutest kid you and I have ever seen.

Another person I'll probably be blogging about is my boyfiance named Skye. He's my other half,  my first love, my only true love, and hopefully my last love. We got engaged on December 24th, 2012. He's the best and I'm so thankful for him being in my life and giving me the gift of our daughter. I really couldnt do it without him

the loves of my life, my family. ♥

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I'm not very good at explaining who I am, but to be honest I dont know anyone who really is! I'll tell you what I do know though.. I'm a mom, a wonderful, crunchy and young mom. I got pregnant at the young age of 17 and had my sweet girl in my arms 10 short months later. It was a struggle and a half being so young, broke and pregnant but we made it! We really are blessed. One of the reasons I made this blog was to network with other young 'cool' moms. Dont get me wrong, the area I live in is abundant with young moms but I know of none that share the same parenting styles. And even when I do find a mom who has the same parenting style as me they're usually quite older and well, judgmental. For some reason everyone looks down on me and assumes I'm a terrible parent.. I'm not saying I'm absoloutely perfect because I know I am not, but I do pride myself on the parenting decisions I make and have made. I co-sleep, breast feed, baby wear and disposable diaper.. I'm as crunchy as my budget allows but apparently no one can see past my age. But I've learned to accept that some people have closed minds.

Anyways, I thought I would write a short introduction.