This isn't the post I thought I would be writing on Easter Sunday, but I need to get these thoughts out to process my day. My friend lost the father of her youngest child today... they were supposed to get married today. I dont know this woman too well but this is a hard thing for me to deal with. Like my friend, I love an addict.
Growing up I imagined the physical aspects of the person I thought I was going to end up with... Tattoos, dark hair, glasses, nose ring, tall and in between skinny and athletic. I ended up with a guy who had 5 out of the 6 things I had pictured.. not bad haha. Anyways, when I pictured this person in my head I never imagined that they would ever be addicted to anything, but he was. He is. He's a recovering alcoholic, and life is tough when you love a recovering alcoholic... It bring so much uncertainty and stress. I cant count how many times I've spent up alone worrying about where he'd end up, who he'd end up with and what he was doing. Was he going to be okay? When would be making it home to me? When will I know if he's okay?.. Those are just a couple of the thoughts that consistently went through my head. There's a hundred more that I dont think I could ever bring myself to say out loud. It's scary. My worst fear would be getting a call and being notified that he wouldn't be coming home to me ever.. There's been some times that we were close though, and my God were those the hardest. Sitting in a hospital bed with a bruised and hurting body is not easy on anybody and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Having someone you love come so close to death is emotionally taxing, it's rough, it's literally mentally scarring. After one really hard night I was left in a constant anxiety attack for 2 weeks straight. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, hands down. To this day, the smell of liquor mixed with the smell of my boyfriend gives me instant anxiety. Full blown shortness of breath, sweaty, heart racing anxiety. It's a shitty, shitty feeling. It's hard to properly explain the feelings and things alcohol does to me physically and mentally. But, like I've been reminded a hundred times before, I still expose myself to it. I still continue to love him, through his faults and imperfections, just like he loves me through the same.
The last couple of days I was talking with my friend and I sympathized with the situation. I remember feeling the same things she was feeling.. like she was hopeless and helpless. Like she wanted nothing more to save him from this monster. Truth is, we cant. We can try, and we can be there for them but we will never be able to save them. Literally thousands of times I've said if he (skye) really loved me and hosanna then he'd be sober. We should be enough to want to be sober. We should be reason enough for him to quit for good. Aren't we good enough? Truth is, we are. We are more than enough reason to quit but it's not like that with addicts. It's a completely different ball park. Their sobriety doesn't reflect how much they love you. Your worth isn't based on someone's ability to resist a drink, or a hit or whatever. It just isn't. You cant save them either. Trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved is impossible. And its heart breaking and its hard. I'm not going to lie, I've tried to save Skye more than a hundred times but I failed. I failed, got back up and tried one more time and one more time and one more time. It was hopeless and it was silly of me to think that I was capable of taking on such a task. I dont posses the skills to help him, I dont know how to talk with him or how to help him.. All I really knew how to do was love him and thats what I did desperately. I loved him with my whole heart, I still do. I have never admitted before that I couldn't save him, I never could bring myself to it and here I am writing on my blog that no one reads, admitting that I failed. I failed in saving the man I love from something I should be bigger than.. that we should be bigger than.
I dont know if this thing makes sense, I'm just writing until I feel better. It's sort of working so far.
I just wanted to let everyone who is loving an addict behind closed doors and not so closed doors that it's okay. Sometimes you need to walk away, sometimes you stay. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but you will survive. You will wake up even though it seems like the hardest thing to do. You will walk on and live your life even if it seems like you're just existing. It happens. You will live through the days that seem to go on and on and on. You're going to make it. I promise.
